Don’t Mess With The Dark

I did a very silly thing recently.

I lost a newly filled prescription for the anti-depressant I take at night.

At first I didn’t think it was a big deal. There were only three places it could be – my mother’s house, the car or my house.

Well, with all that information to hand I did, nothing. I just walked around telling myself I’d look for it tomorrow. Then I’d get distracted by this or that and the next thing you know, several days have gone by.

By the time I realized this I also realized that I still felt okay. In fact, I’d felt pretty good the last few days.

However, the night after I had all the warm and fuzzy feelings, warm and fuzzy got a fast jet out of here and I was left on my own just, feeling. Feeling emotionally shakey, physically beaten down, barely able to get out of bed and it hit me. My arrogance, my illness, had led me to believe that I knew more than my doctors did.

So I went to the pharmacy as soon as I could and got the prescription refilled. Now I’m getting back to my normal.

How could I be so stupid?

Whoa, hold on there! I am not stupid. Bad, bad talk!

Like my AA friend had warned me, if you plant corn, corn will grow. Referring to the mind as a garden and the thoughts of ourselves we plant there.

It was also a form of cognitive therapy my psychotherapist in Toronto had taught me.

It’s something I’ve been working on, now with the help of my peer counselor from the Canadian Mental Health Association – replacing all the negative self-talk I’d been using against myself for so long with positive statements.

So, I am not stupid, I think it’s just that sometimes I wish I could just take one pill, instead of four to feel normal. But my depression has grown old with me and it still has as much power as ever to bring me down.

The price of my sanity is vigilance. I simply cannot trivialize the importance of the medications that I am on, especially if I’ve been feeling pretty good for a few days. I know that real mental health for me is a result of therapy and good medications that work when I take them as prescribed.

I don’t want to get lost in the darkness again. I hate it there, the gut-churning, insecure, hopeless, helpless feelings my illness forces upon me when I don’t treat the disease with the respect that it deserves, demands.

As it was, the day after my mood took a nose dive, I called the pharmacy for the prescription refill and then found myself barely able to get out of bed to go collect it.

I explained what had happened to my daughter and told her I was okay but that it would take a couple of days for me to start feeling better. Her response was, “Oh, then you’re feeling sad,” and she hugged me and sent me off to bed.

I am so blessed to have the child I have.

Another reason not to mess with my medications. She deserves to have a healthy mother to care of her. That’s my main mission in life and I love that it is, to provide all the love and nurturing I can squeeze out of myself in the name of my daughter.

Tomorrow night is Friday night which is junk food and movies night.

I can’t think of a place I’d rather be than at home with my child, sharing our unhealthy goodies, laughing, just being together.

All of this would and will be denied me if I don’t take care of myself.

Today I went for a walk. I have a new goal and that is to regain my strength in body and mind so I can be the ultimate guardian for my daughter.

I fight the dark every day. I am a warrior and will always need to arm myself with every necessary tool to be healthy in body and mind.

How’s that for some positive self-talk?? Huh? Huh?!

I wish all of you strength and light.


4 thoughts on “Don’t Mess With The Dark”

  1. I get those jerky, dark feelings if I take my meds just a couple of hours later than normal. It’s horrible. Your attempt to stay med free wasn’t idiocy (obviously) or arrogance. It’s human to want to rise above our struggles, to be able to give our demons a jab on the chin. I’ve tried this too, it’s a type of self medication. I’m sorry yours took a bad turn, but then you were able to right yourself up fast enough. So listen to the doc and keep to your meds like a good patient! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I take four pills too! (diffent ones, 10 total). I was actually just going to write a blog on the struggles of running out early or losing your prescription medication, then dealing with the pharmacy. For addicts, like me, they’ve always been a pain–and after red flags have been put up by the pharmacy, due to trying to “get happy early,” then lose a full prescription, you’re screwed. “Somebody stole them,” “I spilled them in the sink,” “I just can’t find them right now, “I know you hate to hear this, but I lost my meds again.” Eventually pharmacies won’t believe you any longer, especially when the meds you’ve lost have been schedule IV-II.
    In three days I will be going cold turkey off of my medication, simply because I can’t “wean off.” I don’t know what I’ll endure, but I know it’s better than living a life of taking more pills than my grandmother.
    Loved the post.

    Liked by 1 person

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