Oh it has been so long since I’ve been here!
I’ve been in stasis. Well, that’s what I call it – that place where I seem to go when I’m trying to deal with or get through a difficult situation and all other things go by the wayside because I can’t seem to split my focus.
It’s a weird sort of feeling. Kind of like I’m in limbo. I don’t know if it’s something that’s related to my depression or indicative of a different form of mental illness, but, for example, my daughter went away to summer camp for two weeks. I was a mess!
I mean, I was able to go out to my group sessions on finding ways to deal with mental illness so that was good, but a huge part of me felt like it was just floating there, unsettled, waiting until my daughter came home so everything would be back to normal – I wouldn’t be all alone with my thoughts, I wouldn’t feel so lonely.
And while I did manage to get out of the apartment here and there, I spent a lot of time in bed. What would people with depression do without our beds?
My bed is where I feel safe and warm. It’s where I retreat to when I feel overwhelmed.
I spent almost the entire two weeks my daughter was away sleeping.
Mind you, she doesn’t go away often and I have raised her on my own and my supporters at group did tell me I had earned those extra hours of sleep. So while I still felt overwhelmed and lonely for my girl, I was able to let go of the guilt I felt over sleeping so much.
By the time I picked my daughter up at camp a week ago I was extremely well rested and in a great mood. When you live so much of your life in the dark, it really does hurt to have a child, like mine, who just seems to explode with light and bright colours, go away for two weeks.
It is wonderful to have her home. She’s gotten me out swimming for the first time this summer. Actually, it’s the first time I’ve gone swimming in several years. This child works miracles!!
I’m still dealing with “stuff” in my life, and it does have me drifting toward my limbo and it does at times have me clinging to my bed, feeling the weight of my darkness. Having my daughter here everyday though, with no school in summer, makes it harder to get away with this reclusive behaviour and that is not a bad thing.
She just finished a week of art camp that I drove her to every day. She’s transferred some of her brightness and bursts of colour onto paper and I plan on buying some simple cardboard frames so I can display all of her artwork. It will make the apartment look so much more colourful!