Oh the ironies that beset us as we stumble along trying to find meaning in the lives we’ve landed ourselves in.
As I previously blogged, I had a truly remarkable meeting with a psychiatrist last Thursday who told me he believes I have been misdiagnosed for years and that my clinical depression is actually Bipolar Two, or hypomania. I get the extreme lows of Bipolar One but my highs don’t go as high or for as long as that form of Bipolar.
The information he provided me with left me in no doubt that his diagnosis is correct. I suddenly understand myself and my past so much more than I ever have and the meeting left me feeling really hopeful and happy. Maybe just a tich too happy?
Yeah, see, it reeeally has been a long time since I felt positive about my mental health problems and I think the super good news I got from the super nice psychiatrist has tipped me over the line from happy into one of my little hypomania cycles.
I mean, I left the office where the online meeting took place feeling happy. Then the more I thought about the possibility of getting better the happier I felt. Then I bought some toilet paper and I was simply over the moon happy! I even told my daughter what a great day I was having, an optimistic prognosis, new toilet paper – huh? Huh? She went to her room to skype with school mates.
Then I found that after I posted last night’s blog and tried to read before bed I simply could not focus on the page in front of me. I had to keep going back and reading the same lines over and over again.
And this morning I woke up, well there’s no nice way to say it, I woke up bitchy. Yep, the bitch was back and that is never a good sign for me because the bitch just isn’t a part of my normal, healthy make up, and the psychiatrist I saw specifically told me that this type of irritability is part of the hypomanic cycle. So I immediately knew what was happening and I took evasive action! I paid attention to how I spoke to my daughter, I did not snap at her nor was I grumpy. But when I started making dinner she said, “Are you mad at me?”
More proof that others see changes in us even if we don’t, even when we think we’ve got it all covered up.
I was happy to tell her that no, I wasn’t angry with her but we have talked openly about my new diagnosis and some of the problems I may have going off of my current medication. She’s just really happy that moody mommy may not be coming to visit as often as she has in the past.
My daughter is only 11 but she is so amazing. She has been my rock and I am the luckiest mother in the universe.
Anyway, after dinner I felt really tired and got into bed early only again, I can’t read. My mind feels like it’s busy busy busy but it’s like thought fragments are running around the ol’ noggin rather than any kind of linear thread of thought, if that makes any sense to you. I do find that writing helps organize my thoughts so this blog helps.
And I’ve found a way to amuse myself and it is with solitaire. I play solitaire on my ebook reader. It engages my mind and helps pass the time.
I have, tonight, had my mood come falling back down again. While my mind continues to flit about that feeling of a kick to the gut is back. That’s the jolt I always get when my mood is moving into dark mode. To top it off I have a really bad migraine.
All kinds of stuff going on between my ears tonight huh?
It’s okay though. I’m going to start my new medication this week, I hope, and take it while I’m gradually getting my current anti depressants out of my system.
I knew the transition was going to be a big bumpy, I just wasn’t expecting the hypomanic bump there. I am very grateful, though, to finally understand what’s happening with me and why and it makes a world of difference.
If you’ve been struggling with depression for a while now but your meds don’t seem to be helping, you might want to ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist to nail down your diagnosis and make sure you’re on the right medications.
We are entitled to peace of mind!