I have a sinus infection and I have to tell you, it is packin’ some whoop ass! I am down people!
I hate sinus infections. They just make a person so sick – you got your fever, your pain, your bodily discomfort. your inability to breath through your nose and it just goes on and on and on!
Still, I know that eventually, this hell shall end.
I wish I could be that sure about my depression.
I wrote recently about my new diagnosis of bipolar 2/hypomania and the new medication I’m on and how things seem to be improving. I was a little hesitant to write that things seemed to be improving. It’s that old, “things are going too well, they should start crashing and burning any moment now”, thing I have. I’m not sure if it’s part of or because of my mental health issues that I tend to think this way but true to form, the day after writing that last blog I started to feel down again. And that started me questioning whether the new medication is really working for me or whether I just want so badly for it to work that I’m just trying to ignore any negative thoughts or emotions at this point.
I spoke to my psychiatrist at our last meeting about feeling like I didn’t have a handle on my emotions, in that I was crying at the drop of a hat. It’s a strange thing when this happens to me. I cry at commercials, at photographs of things like puppies, at songs, at people saying hello, yet I don’t really feel sad. I just can’t stop myself from crying.
And while it’s happening my intellectual side is there all, “Hmm, this is interesting. Why am I crying over a picture of a puppy?” There’s a complete disassociation happening there between emotional me and intellectual me and I can actually feel it, like I’m split right down the middle, like Bat Man and Cat Woman in the second Bat Man movie with Michael Keaton and Michelle Pheifer.
I didn’t go into all this detail when talking with my doctor, of course. He suggested upping my new meds and seeing if that helps. So far it’s helped, a smidge. A tiny smidge. Well no, actually, it hasn’t really helped at all but maybe it just takes a little more time. It’s only been about a week.
It’s so frustrating to think that a new medication is actually going to make my life better and then have it under perform. Then again, as I said, it hasn’t really been that long and some meds take a while to really kick in.
In the meantime, it’s like someone’s just promised to bring me a chocolate cheesecake with whipped cream icing and I’ve got my fork out and ready to go and they call and say, whoops, can’t make it out with the cheesecake afterall, see ya!
Now is that a reason to cry or is that a reason to cry?
All I know is I’ve been living in the dark for a really long time now and I want a change. I need some relief. I really do. I’m weary from bearing the weight of this disease.
For all of you also fighting with your mental health issues, I hope you too get a break from the battle. Even if the peace doesn’t last, it is nice to just have a rest from it all.