Walk A Mile In My Dark Brain

I’ve been having these nightmares lately and I’m trying to figure out why.

How scary are Minaj was in the latest one.

The dreams involve me dying in these bizarre situations. In the first my daughter and I are in this house with several other people and for some reason it’s been decided that some of us have to leave and go to a second house. My daughter and I will be amongst those leaving which leads one woman to say, “Oh good! No one dies in the other house. Four of us die here.” She’s one of the ones that will be left behind.

The Nicki dream isn’t as clear. All I remember is a huge, fancy apartment building and my daughter and I are in Nicki’s apartment. Someone is coming after us and the dream basically consists of me trying to find places to hide. Then I realize the hiding spot is useless so I have to find another one and so on and so forth until I wake up.

I guess both dreams could be linked to my losing my peer counselor from the Canadian Mental Health Association. She’s being promoted. Good for her, bad for me.

When you suffer from a mental illness you are vulnerable. In order to get better, you have to let someone into your head. Open up all those dark inner workings for inspection. You think that’s easy? Try it.

Now I’m going to have to open up to a whole new person. Another stranger. I have to go back to the beginning and start all over again with a new pair of eyes watching. The thought of it lays me out. I feel exposed and vulnerable and it hasn’t even happened yet. But it will. On January 12th. That’s when my counselor’s new job starts.

Already I’m having nightmares. That can’t be good.

What the hell Nicki Menaj has got to do with any of it I have no idea!

I just know I’m feeling a bit at sea.

What do mentally healthy people do when they’re feeling vulnerable? Go for a brisk walk?

Have a drink?

Just don’t think about it?

I wish things like this worked for me. I mean, I’ve tried them all.

Earlier today I went for a walk. There was nothing brisk about it but I stumbled through. Still worrying.

I can’t have a drink because I’m an alcoholic, although I did have a cup of tea. No help.

Just not thinking about it isn’t even an option. I’m in obsessive town in my mind right now and the streets are paved with this issue.

Every movie in town is a variation on the theme, “I Just Lost My Counselor,”.

The nightly news leads off with, “Opening up all over again, that’s what one local woman is going to have to do now that her counselor is moving on.”

And when I dream, well, you know what’s been happening when I dream.

You think all this is a little crazy? Ok, why don’t we try a little experiment. Pick a person, friend, family member, co-worker, and tell them you need to share something with them, something personal. If they say okay, which they very well may not, then pick something very personal that you’ve never shared with anyone before, something that, say, had you worried about your mental health, and go for it.

Too weird? Don’t want to do that? Sounds stupid?

What if your mental health depended on it, on this kind of opening up? So it’s not a choice, you just have to do it.

Welcome to my world.

I’ve already had to reopen all the old wounds again and again when I have to switch ccounselors.

So imagine having to redo our little experiment over and over.

Maybe you should try it to really gain some insight, especially all those intrepid journalists I know out there.

But I’ve got a feeling exactly no one will be up for this. Why would you do it if you didn’t have to. I know I sure as hell wouldn’t.

I’ve also been getting migraines one after the other since I found out.

Got one now. In fact, I’m going to have to lie down.

If you do decide to try the experiment, let me know how it goes.

e

 

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