The Android, The Doer And The Cryer

Blah!

I’m feeling all blah! Blech!

I’ve been writing lately about these crying jags I can’t seem to get a handle on, thinking it was just my new meds taking a while to kick in properly. I told my psychiatrist about it and he upped my dosage but, bleah! It’s still happening.

My last meeting with my peer counselor was a sobfest. I went through a lot of Kleenex! If I’d been crying for Canada at the Sob Olympics I would have brought home the gold! For you my country!

Anyway. I think now that this is just how my depression manifests on my new medication which just means that, despite some improvements, I am still in my depression.

I feel like I’m split. A part of me is analytical – watching another part of me functioning a little better, doing some constructive things, giving thought to things I hadn’t been giving a thought to, like baking and planning things for my child and I to do. Then analytical me is also watching the other part of me that is stuck, that just can’t climb out of the mire and into the light – the cryer.

So that’s me now – the unfeeling Analyst, the Planner/Doer, and the Cryer.

If I were a super hero I’d be a sobbing Android that occasionally bakes really good scones and enjoys going to the odd movie.

Yep, kind of a lot going on in the old bean these days.

Having bipolar-2/hypomania means I do get the deep depression of someone with Bipolar-1 but I don’t get the out of control highs. My up periods are actually something I rather enjoy, although I have to be careful about them.

They usually start with me just getting this really good feeling just wash over me, like a spring breeze full of promise. Let me tell you, after feeling like crap for extended periods, this gentle breeze is always warmly received. But then I start thinking that something good is about to happen, something really good and all I have to do is wait for it. Whatever it is, it’s going to change my life for the better. And that’s when I know I’m in a period of hypomania and that just sucks because I would so love for something really wonderful to be just around the corner.

But it never is and that is what always opens the door to the inevitable crash. That wonderful surety that good things are about to happen eventually peters out and I realize my disease has just been playing me yet again.

It hurts so much and the following darkness is so dark. Every time it takes a bite out of me and after a while I’m left feeling like little more than a ghost of the person I used to be.

What I wouldn’t give to have her vitality again, to be able to simply enjoy a good feeling without being afraid of it.

Blech! Blah! Dammit!

If you’re struggling with your darkness, please remember you are not alone.

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2 thoughts on “The Android, The Doer And The Cryer”

  1. I don’t know if we aren’t alone in our own hell, but there are many within shouting distance. Don’t be quiet; weep, sob, cry, shout, bang the walls…….there might not be someone there to hold your hurting, bleeding hands but you’ll hear a hundred bleeding hands banging on their walls…..stay strong.

    Liked by 2 people

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