Reflections

There’s a storm smashing around outside. Freezing rain and lots of it. There are warnings out and people are being told to expect power outages and lousy road conditions.

I can’t help but feel like this storm is kind of like the inside of my head sometimes. It gets all crazy and wild in there sometimes too. And there’s very little I can go about it. Just batten down the hatches and try to ride it out.

I have the most amazing batch of nieces and nephews. They really are an incredible bunch of young people with these wonderful lives going on. One of them, my youngest niece, is starting to make a name for herself as a model.

It gives me pause. You see, when I was young, I wanted desperately to be a model and an actress. I wanted to quit high school and follow that dream to California. My friends talked me out of it. I had planned to run away and take my chances. Knowing what I know now about myself I probably would have ended up dead in an alley somewhere, addicted to drugs and alcohol. It wasn’t meant to be.

My niece has none of my deadly hang ups and she is soaring. Sometimes, despite knowing what I know about me, I still deeply, terribly regret never having tried to follow my dream. Especially when I see how my niece is doing. I wonder what my life would have been like if I’d gone down another road. Would I be basking now in the glory of a career that brought me fame and fortune, or would I be just a memory, a stone in a cold graveyard?

All I know I know is that my dark brain has led me to here, a place where life is hard, where there is little peace of mind, at times it feels like there is just a mind in pieces, but everything I’ve done led me to the point where 12 years ago I had a child. And she is my reason for everything¬† now. She makes everything that has happened in my life make sense. I look at her and say ah! That’s why this happened then, and that happened there, this magnificent child is the answer to all those questions. I just hope I am doing her justice in raising her the way I am.

I think she is happy. I know she is a great person, a caring person, loving and supportive and empathetic. And I am going back to school for a year to try and make things better for us. So, maybe my inner storm will be able to calm itself for at least a little while, now that I have something new to focus on. It’s been a long time since I was in school.

Wish me luck!

 

 

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